I used to think I was a friendly person. I might have actually been friendly at one time. I'm not sure what happened to me along the way, but I have found myself being very standoffish and even rude to people lately.... I guess in the last couple of years, actually. Recently, because I am working in retail and because I am back in college and meeting new people, I have started trying to think about the reasons why I have changed so much.
I think I have a bad habit of being cranky. Most "bad habits" come naturally, or at least, they come easily. We do them without even thinking. So, to make changes, that is to say, turn bad habits into good habits, requires effort. Lots of effort. We naturally tend to avoid effort where ever and when ever we can. Thus making it hard.
It's a fact of life, people grow, they evolve. People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Sometimes they grow up, sometimes they grow apart, sometime they just outgrow their lives. I have had a few long term relationships in my life. Relationships are hard work. I am 36 years old, divorced three times and very, very single. I have obviously never had a successful relationship. I think most of the problems I had in each of my relationships and marriages could have been fixed with communication--- only two of them I'm sure could not have been. I tried it with both of them through professional services, but it didn't work. I never tried with the rest of them. I was too young or too stupid or too stubborn. Maybe I thought I was superior and far smarter than the other. Or it could have been because I wasn't trying to live right... But that's another blog in itself.
However; for the record, I have several long term friendships that have lasted longer than most marriages! My best friends have all been my friends for at least 15 years. Minimum. I somehow am able to communicate effectively with these people. We have grown together, we're still in tune with each other after all these years. My friends amaze me. I have my great friends here in Fort Smith and Van Buren and Greenwood that I wouldn't trade for the world and I have my great friends in Russellville that if I go a month without seeing them, I start to go through withdrawals. We talk every day. Sometimes about nothing, but always about everything.
I am working now on myself. I have decided I need to take a new approach with communication and people. I always go on the defensive when a customer or acquaintance uses a harsh approach... A facial expression or a certain word will set me on fire. I am trying now to listen without judging based on the tone or expression of other people. I try to imagine how I would deal with one of my friends if I was having that converstaion with them... if that makes sense. Sometimes, even though I am trying, I still get angry and my eyes roll uncontrollably. But I am TRYING. And when I approach others, I am trying harder to think before I speak. That's the best I can do. I know I'm not perfect, but I am making an effort to break my bad habit of chronic crankiness.
I found a quote by Oliver Wendall Holmes, who was named to the United States Supreme Court in 1902 by Theodore Roosevelt. He must have been a very wise man, as I have run across several quotes from him throughout the last several years. This one is my favorite: "Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall."
Makes ya stop and think a little bit....
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I know how you feel...I was in a bad mood at work the other night and wasn't very nice to a couple who were arguing...they annoyed me, how dare them!
ReplyDeleteI often time remind myself of a little saying...I am not sure to whom credit belongs but..."It's not what you say, but how you say it"...I know I had heard this before but it did not hit home until I heard it while doing some negotiator training a couple of years ago and it just kinda stuck with me.
I sometimes talk with people or are at the brink...and attitude is everything...we are actually trained to project sincerity...not that I really care, but I sound like I really care. It makes a difference, I know...anyway, you will be amazed at the change the conversation will take (maybe not immediately if someone is venting) when you project (or can actually muster the real stuff) sincerity...and if someone is venting...let them vent...when they are through, project sincerity and be cool and calm and you will turn the conversation around...most of the time...there are, of course, those special people out there...lol.
I practice this with Dustin sometimes...hehe! It works! I said sometimes...the other times I really am sincere or just let her know I don't care...lol
I try to remind myself of the below passage every now and then to keep myself in check, probably need to do it more often..
James 3
3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can control their whole bodies. 4 Also a ship is very big, and it is pushed by strong winds. But a very small rudder controls that big ship, making it go wherever the pilot wants. 5 It is the same with the tongue. It is a small part of the body, but it brags about great things. A big forest fire can be started with only a little flame. 6 And the tongue is like a fire. It is a whole world of evil among the parts of our bodies. The tongue spreads its evil through the whole body. The tongue is set on fire by hell, and it starts a fire that influences all of life. 7 People can tame every kind of wild animal, bird, reptile, and fish, and they have tamed them, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is wild and evil and full of deadly poison. 9 We use our tongues to praise our Lord and Father, but then we curse people, whom God made like himself.